How to Become a True Montenegrin in 6 Easy (and Lazy) Steps

How to Become a True Montenegrin in 6 Easy (and Lazy) Steps
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How to Become a True Montenegrin (Without Any Effort) — 6 Easy Steps

If you want to avoid looking like a tourist in Montenegro and blend in with the locals, don’t worry – we’ve got you covered! This is your survival (and enjoyment) guide to a land where resting is sacred and life moves at its own chill pace.

Step One: Master the Art of Doing Nothing

In Montenegro, working hard isn’t a virtue – it’s a necessary evil. The real skill is perfecting the art of laziness. Plans? Nah, we don’t do those.
If someone asks, “What’s up today?” your answer is simple:
“Nothing much, just chilling.”
And when they ask, “When will you finish that?” just shrug and say:
“Tomorrow.”

Step Two: The 10 Montenegrin Commandments

To truly fit in, remember these sacred rules:

  1. Man is born tired and lives to rest.
  2. Love your bed like yourself.
  3. Rest during the day so you can sleep well at night.
  4. Don’t work – work kills.
  5. If you see someone resting, help them – join in!
  6. Do as little work as possible, and pass the rest on to others.
  7. Shade is salvation – nobody died from resting there.
  8. Work causes sickness – don’t die young.
  9. If you feel like working, sit down, wait it out, it will pass.
  10. When people are eating and drinking – join them. When they’re working – get out of the way.

Step Three: Dress Like a Local

Forget fancy clothes. True Montenegrin style is simple:

  • Sleeveless shirt (guys, tank tops are a must)
  • Shorts – the shorter, the better
  • Flip-flops or slippers, even in the café
  • If it’s chilly: tracksuit, Adidas or Nike, no one cares
  • Sunglasses are classic
  • A towel draped over your shoulder – don’t ask why, just do it
  • A tattoo is a bonus – a man from Montenegro often sports a monastery tattoo (like Ostrog) almost by default

Step Four: Drink Like a Local

  • Beer? It’s got to be Nikšićko, half-liter bottle mandatory.
  • Rakija? Take it slow, it’s a ritual. Loza (grape brandy) is the best.
  • Coffee? Now, here’s a pro tip:

Pro Tip: Order a Deutsch (dojč)
If you want to sound like a local, order:
“One Deutsch, please.”
What’s a Deutsch? It’s a long espresso with milk — the name probably originated back when this coffee used to cost 1 German mark. Someone nicknamed it “Deutsch,” and the name stuck ever since.
Remember — coffee is a ritual here. You sit down, order, and take your time. No rushing.

Step Five: Music for the True Vibe

First rule: If your playlist doesn’t have gusle, you haven’t even started!
Gusle aren’t just an instrument. They’re the audio version of patriotism, with some creaky sounds and a whole lot of emotion. When you hear that “Ojhaaaa,” time stops, and suddenly everything makes sense – this isn’t just music, it’s a call from your ancestors to feel the pride running in your veins.
Basically, gusle remind you that you’re a descendant of heroes, even if you’re sitting in a tracksuit ordering food delivery.
If you’re at that stage – congrats! Your journey to becoming a Montenegrin has already begun.
Next on the playlist: songs by Rambo Amadeus – the “world mega king.” Start with his track Smrt Popa Mila Jovovića to see how modern sounds mix with gusle.
For a beach party vibe, play Montenigers – Tropski Bar.

For romantic evenings, Vlado Georgiev is your guy.

And for cruising down the Adriatic coast with the windows down and sunglasses on — blast Who See. Try Đe se kupaš or Pucačina po Budvi for that perfect blend of chill beats and coastal swagger.

Step Six: Act Cool and Easygoing

  • Never rush. Ever.
  • When you see a crowd – avoid it. When you find shade – claim it.
  • If you see someone resting – join them.
  • If you see someone working – get out of their way.
  • When you don’t know what to say, just say:
    “easy, brother, no rush.”

Golden Rule to Finish:
The less you work – the longer you live.
Learn this, and no one will ever know you’re not a local.

About the Author:

I spent fifteen years in Montenegro — working and enjoying (mostly the latter, to be honest). And while I’m writing this, it’s not easy — because I’m not there.

This text is based on years of living, working, relaxing, and soaking up the spirit of Montenegro. It’s meant to be humorous, lighthearted, and written with love — not to offend or stereotype.

If you’ve smiled at least once while reading, mission accomplished.

And if you’re already sitting in the shade, drinking coffee, and saying “easy, bro,” — then you’re well on your way.

Note: This article is written with humor and affection, inspired by real-life impressions from Montenegro. No offense intended — just pure Balkan vibes.

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